The Miraculous Chia Seed

Hello darling Otherbeasts! Happy Day to you!

I would like to talk to you today about The Chia Seed.
Yup, that's right. The very same Chia used for Chia Pets.

Yes, I know, some of you immediately heard the jingle, "Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia" resonate in your skulls, but hear me out. I am talking about the same exact seed that makes those silly little clay figurines grow hair... and I want to tell you a secret about Chia Seeds...  They're edible!

Chia seeds are a SUPERFOOD! (I had hopes that the caps would sound like a booming exclamation in a canyon with awesome echoes.) But I digress, Chia Seed is one of the best things you can do for your body and for your health. They look like tiny little dinosaur eggs.

The Chia seed is a member of the sage family and was one of the staples of the Incan, Mayan, and Aztec cultures, along with the Native Americans of the Southwest. In Aztec lore it was said that a Tablespoon of Chia seed could sustain a warrior for 24 hours.

Thank you to Chiaseedsuperfood.com for providing me a source for lots and lots of research that I am now able to relay to you, lovely Otherbeasts! The Chia seed has to be one of the most amazing things I have discovered in my quest for improving the health of my body.

Let me tell you about what makes Chia seed so amazing. It has 27 key nutrients such as Calcium, Phosphorus, Boron, Potassium, Zinc, Copper, Manganese, Vitamin B-12, Tryptophan, and it's packed with protein.

It has 6 times more calcium than milk does. (Good news for the lactose intolerant or for the peeps who don't think drinking another species milk is natural!)

 Get this, Chia seed has 100% more Omega-3 nutrients than salmon. It has 41% of your overall daily fiber needs and double the antioxidants found in Blueberries.

This amazing seed also packs in 32% of your daily magnesium (more than you can get from broccoli).

You can be like Popeye too! The Chia seed has 6 times more Iron than Spinach. "I'm strong to the finish, 'cause I eats me... Chia?"

Chia Seeds have 64% More Potassium than a banana.

More Niacin than corn, rice, and soy (good for those with a gluten allergy!)

 

But possibly the most amazing thing is that the benefits that come from eating Chia seeds include:
- increased energy levels
- improved digestion
- better complexion
- tone muscles
- boosts mental sharpness
- allows you to sleep better at night

According to the nutritional database of the USDA, Chia contains approximately 31% fat, 16% protein, and 44% of carbohydrate with 38% of fiber.

It is approved by the FDA as a "Healthy Food."

Chia seed has over 9 essential amino acids including: Alanine, Aspartic Acid, Threonine, Isoleucine, Leucine, Lysine, Glutamic acid, Glycine, Methionine, Cystine, Tyrosine, Valine, Arginine, Histidine, Proline, and Serine.

Chia seed is highly hydrophilic - meaning they have the amazing ability to absorb 7 to 9 times their weight in water... very rapidly, usually in 10 minutes or less if powdered and 30 minutes or less if left in seed form.

 These seeds have such a huge antioxidant content that they have a shelf life of 2 years or longer.



Want Some More Good News?:

• Healing - In ancient cultures that consumed Chia, like the Aztecs, it was also regarded as a medicine. It was used in myriad ways - from cleaning the eyes to helping heal wounds, topically, to relieving joint pain, the indians and missionaries used it as a poultice for gunshot wounds and other serious injuries. They would pack the wounds with Chia seeds to avoid infections and promote healing. It was considered extremely valuable for healing.

• Regeneration - Chia aids rapid development of tissue, due to its incredible nutrient profile and easy assimilation. It can be very beneficial for those healing from injuries, people like bodybuilders who are always re-forming tissues and women who are pregnant or breastfeeding.

• Heart and Brain Health - Since Chia seed has so many powerful things packed into such small seeds (see, good things do come in small packages) like Omega-3's and antioxidants, this little powerhouse seed lowers blood pressure and regulates blood sugar (great for diabetics and sufferers of hypoglycemia) how amazing is that?!

• Oh yeah, they also lower cholesterol. 'Nuff said.

• Insects hate the chia plant, as the plant and seeds oils act as a natural insect repellent, so it's easy to find "organic" seeds. No chemicals or preservatives, Chia seed, a natural tissue builder with extensive hydration properties. Let me repeat something important: if you decide to go buy Chia seeds, don't bother with paying jacked up prices for "organic" Chia seeds - insects hate the Chia plant, so there's not a need for insecticides. Um. DUH.

With all these great ingredients, the Omega-3, the amino acids, their ability to retain water, the restorative healing properties, the ability to regenerate tissue, and the anti-oxidants with the ability to fight free radicals... this stuff could also be great for your skin! And your hair, and probably your nails considering how much calcium they contain.

I've contemplated making a skin mask from this little superfood called Chia because I have dry skin, and I'm in my late 20's, so this sounds like a dream to me, what with trying to prevent new wrinkles, and keep my face nice and hydrated and soft.


In fact I even did a video blog to capture the very first experiment with this crazy idea of mine; if you'd like to see the very visible effects it had on my skin, watch below!:

If for some reason it's not working, you can always go here: Chia Seed Face Mask

This is the recipe I used:
Basic Chia Gel Mask
Mix 1 teaspoon of powdered Chia Seed with 7 to 9 teaspoons of water.
(I would say mix more if you want to use it regularly, and if you do that then store it in a sealable container and refrigerate for up to two weeks - no longer - but if you're experimenting like me, I'm making a small quantity.)
-Let the Chia absorb the water about 10 minutes
-Apply!
- Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
-Rinse off!
-Viola!

IMPORTANT: If you have an allergy to mustard seeds or a nut allergy, spot test this first to make sure no serious adverse reactions may occur. REPEAT: IF YOU HAVE AN ALLERGY TO MUSTARD SEEDS OR A NUT ALLERGY, SPOT TEST FIRST TO MAKE SURE NO SERIOUS ADVERSE REACTIONS MAY OCCUR. I am not responsible for your recklessness.

Variations on the mask may include things you already like in a facemask like aloe vera, honey, apricot, kiwi, egg, oatmeal, or cucumber. Go for it, get creative! I know I will, and I'll be sure to document it here as it seems my skin is acting up much more that usual lately.

But the main conclusion of this blog is to tell you what an amazing thing the Chia Seed is, you can sprinkle a teaspoon or two in your yogurt, over salad, in a glass of orange juice, in your oatmeal, in ice cream, pasta sauces, stews, I mean, you name it, you can add it. Chia seeds don't taste like much, they don't really have a taste, and if they had one (for sensitive palates) it would be slightly nutty. But you can add these babies to stews and stocks to even thicken the sauce and stretch your meal a bit further.

The diet implications are astounding, since these Chia seeds are hydrophillic (they love water) and hold onto 7 to 9 times their weight in water, you can consume them with a glass of water before a meal to curb your appetite.

These Chia seeds are also great for athletes, as the seeds hold onto water and steady blood sugar, so if ingested before a workout or performance, these little things will hold all that hydration inside your body, feeding the muscles and lessening fatigue.

Digestive Troubles? These little seeds also help with that too. Since they plump up about 7 to 9 times their size when in contact with any liquid, they act as a "digestive broom" and sweep through your intestines and your colon as they go, getting rid of potential backed up gunk in your system.

So, I urge you to do your own research into the amazing Chia Seed, as always, so you may find out for yourself, but take it from the horse's mouth when I say I've tried it, it's improved my health, energy, digestive regularity, cholesterol, blood pressure, and it's even helped me loose weight.

So next time you hear, "Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia," think instead, "Su-Su-Su-Superfood!"
_____

Until Next Time,
<3 Shade

Wide Awake

Hello Darling Otherbeasts! Mmm, a creative exercise in writing.

_____
Wide Awake

Well... I sit here. Awake. Wide awake. More awake than I've ever been. I suppose I've gotten my body used to being awake at this time of night. I attempted to go to sleep, I honestly did. I laid there, awake, thoughts swirling around in my head and colliding into each other. That's when I called you, abruptly having shook you out of that moment right before one goes to sleep where everything is fuzzy and peaceful, for another one of my unanswerable questions.

I laid back down and tried to go to sleep again - and I laid there - awake; so I decided since I couldn't go to sleep I might as well be productive. I got up, turned on the lights, flipped on the TV, and cracked open my biology book. Why not study? I needed to anyway. I resigned myself to the fact that I am, and always will be, a creature of the night; my best thinking is done then. Sure, my brain is frazzled and my body is screaming desperately for more sleep, but there I was... awake.

I read a few chapters out of the heavy biology book and began to feel that familiar restlessness, so I got up, grabbed my cigarettes, walked out of my room, and clomped down the hallway to fresh air. I opened the glass door and the cool breeze hit my face as I took in a long breath, letting it fill and tingle in my lungs. I pulled out a cigarette, set it in my mouth, and set it on fire; I inhaled the not-so-quite fresh air. I pulled the smoke into my lungs and felt that first wash of calmness steal over me and invade my body before exhaling in a long sigh.

I shuddered from the moisture in the cool air seeping through my gray jersey robe. I turned to look at the city lights twinkling and blinking at me from the dark horizon. I turned back around, sat down on the cement steps leading down from the stoop, and sighed, letting the moist air caress my face.

I looked around at my surroundings and my eyes fell on the tall water tower just over the hill; it was still there, and it sat there, staring me straight in the face. It seemed to me that is was smiling at me. No, not smiling at me, it had this horrible smug grin; the slowly blinking little red light atop it seemed to say, "Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, you-only, thought-you, were-going, to-win."

I cursed as I tore my gaze away from the water tower and stared down at my feet. I gazed at the cigarette I was holding in my hand, the smoke curling up in the still air, the soft tendrils drifting away and I thought to myself, What a nasty habit... "I should quit," I stated abruptly to no one. I raised the carcinogen-riddled paper to my lips, inhaled, and sighed aloud, "I know why I don't quit..." silently continuing, It's something I can control in my very uncontrollable life.

All of a sudden the questions came pouring back into my thoughts, their blackness penetrating and shrouding my brain; the inky color working its way into every single one of the cells I possess. I shook my head in an effort to try and loosen the thoughts that had a death grip on my mind but wouldn't let go. Why, why, why was this still plaguing my mind? Why? I had no substantial reason.

My thoughts wander and I have always thought myself to be a not very jealous person. Wrong. I am extremely jealous, but not in the way most people think: I'm jealous in a unique way - it's not that I want someone all to myself but rather it's that I'm jealous of the time I'm not getting to spend with them - which is still a bad thing I suppose. It bothers me to see a girl that even remotely reminds me of a certain person who's shade of hair resembles the fire that consumes my mind. It happened today, I saw a resemblance. Seeing that particular keratin color evokes the strangest reaction; it makes my hair stand up on the back of my neck, my blood boil, and my energy takes on a horrible tone that warns every person in the vicinity to stay the hell away from me. I'm sure as the innocent by-stander of a girl walked by she thought, "Yeesh, if looks could kill this one would take the cake." I had tucked my chin in order to try and stare at the ground I was crossing but my nostrils flared in anger as I glared up through my lashes; I was unable to conceal the white-hot daggers of hatred shooting from my gaze at this poor, random girl, my eyes holding the unmistakable anger they cannot hide. She simply passed me, raising her eyebrows at my reaction as if to say, "What the hell did I do to you?"

The rustling cool breeze brings me back from memory immersion and I snap back from being lost in my thoughts. The water tower is still staring at me, mocking me, so I extinguish my cigarette that I have smoked well past the little green 'camel logo of luck.' I get up, heave the door open, and walk inside; the fluorescent lights reflecting off the newly painted sage walls of the hallway cast a sickly shade of green on everything. I feel as if I am inside a hospital ward, isolated within my own thoughts, my robe turning into a straight jacket. I hasten my step approaching my door, sticking the key in the lock and of course turning it the wrong way first before actually unlocking it, and step inside shutting the door behind me by leaning my back against it.

The comforting smell of my own dorm room greets me and I lock both of the bolts on the door behind me. I survey the living room, my gaze sweeping across the furniture when memories begin to come alive as if I'm watching a movie play out before my eyes. I shake my head and shut my eyes before opening them again to blink several times but the memory movie is still animating my living room and I can still see all of the past events happening before my eyes. They're happening everywhere: on my couch, in my kitchen, in my bedroom; I am lost in some weird time warp where I am visually reliving everything and seeing it happen all over again.

"Wow. I definitely need to get some sleep," I mutter as I peel myself away from the door and walk into my bedroom, forcing the visions to fade away and dissipate into thin air like steam issuing from a gutter. I feel like writing. Who better to write to than my best friend who understands more where I'm coming from than anybody in this world ever could? I sit down at my computer and begin typing and the thought hits me, Oh, "not in my best interest," because, well... I'm sure Alexis and Carly were over there tonight. My blood pressure begins to rise and I begin to seethe. "Stop it," I command myself aloud, "Stop thinking about it. STOP IT. You are being obsessive. Stop it!" The last command resonates as more of a plea and my brain issues my heart a pep talk: Pull yourself out of it... you NEED to change. This is not good for you. Stop it right now and change.

I lean back in my chair, staring at my computer screen as the cursor blinks, take a deep breath and close my eyes. I hear faintly from in the recesses somewhere, "Well I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I built my life around you." Oh, Lord, please give me a break; I quiet my brain once more and everything stills. Finally my mind is clear and I am blissfully thinking of nothing, savoring the quiet, when one impenetrable thought violently shatters through the calm and pierces the tranquil peace I managed to find, "WHO THE HELL IS THIS CARLY CHICK ANYWAY?!" Well, that confirmed it: definitely jealous. Cheese and crackers, will it ever stop? I think I am beginning to loose what little sanity I have over all of this or from a lack of sleep... or both. Maybe.

Then I think of you, probably slumbering away peacefully in your warm bed with your egyptian cotton sheets, more than likely dreaming of hot dogs, sex, Jose Varizano, G-town, or sex. It was then that I thanked the Lord for sending you into my life, for blessing me with such an unconditional kind of love, that you tolerated being friend-zoned. It brought tears to my eyes when I realized just how much strength I draw from you. It was then that a little voice, my conscience, decided to speak up, You know, you're really not being fair to him. He doesn't deserve to have to constantly deal with what you are going through every single waking moment. You Bogart his time. You're spiraling downward and you're pulling him with you. No wonder he wants to go to Arizona - he's stuck between someone he can't please and someone who has a one-track mind and can't think of anything else. he deserves better, he deserves your real friendship, not this 'I need to lean on somebody' bullshit. He's going to get so tired of never actually talking about anything else that he will eventually pull away from you because he'll find himself getting depressed when he should be having the time of his life, not dealing with your melodramatic, soap opera minded problems. Give him a break.

I wiped away an errant tear that had rolled down my cheek. That voice was partially right, you do deserve so much better than the pieces of my broken heart and my crummy attempt at a friendship.
But that little voice had something wrong, you wouldn't hang around if you didn't want to, it wasn't like I had a gun to your head, and so I realized something else, Who says you're important enough to have this much sway over his life? You think he'll ask 'how high' if you ask him to jump? Now you're just being arrogant. Ugh, why are you so emotional?

My brain is random at best. The TV is on in the background, the cheerful jingle of the Flintstones drifting into my ear holes. My eyelids are becoming droopy and I am now looking at my bed longingly. Sleep is good because there I can escape from everything that chains me in my waking life but like many things it is only temporary, because I know I will awake tomorrow with a heavy heart and that same darkness will fill my mind once again.

I get up and walk into my living room and turn off the TV - I don't even like the Flintstones anyway - and walk back into my bedroom, locking the door behind me. I sit back down at my computer and decide that it's time I make a change; tomorrow I will wear green instead of pink. There's the randomness again. Back on track. Change. I will make a change. I am not happy now and the only way to fix that is to change. I cannot change the things around me so I will have to learn how to change myself and adapt to the things around me. "Easier said than done," says the little voice, "it'll be a long hard road but it must be done." Good, then we're agreed. With new-found resolve I surrender. I am metaphorically waving the little white flag. Whatever happens... happens. No matter what I think, how much I think, or what I do... how things are meant to be is how they'll turn out; no amount of my ruminating on a subject will change the outcome.

I close my laptop and set my alarm for an ungodly hour. I crawl back to my bed and nestle deep under the covers. Yawning, I turn off the lights yet again and say a prayer. Another night spent uselessly toiling away. I close my eyes and start to drift off to that fuzzy, warm place that sleep holds. I let out a contented sigh as I hug the stuffed raccoon you gave me. Time for change. Everything will be all right. My eyelids flutter shut as a smile touches my lips. I am unconquerable. Invictus.
_____

Until Next Time,
<3 Shade

The Tempest

Good Day my cherished Otherbeasts!
I decided to do a bit of fictional non-fictional creative writing. :3

 ____

She looked up at him through dark, tear-rimmed lashes. Her milk chocolate brown eyes focused on him, the golden flecks in her irises catching the light and glinting with hurt and concealed pain.

"How could you do this to me," she questioned softly as she looked down at her hands. Her fingernails were torn up and bitten to the quick. She turned her hands over and looked at her palms. They were damp and splotchy from the hot blood coursing through her veins. She placed them on her denim-clad thighs and rubbed them vigorously, quelling the urge to touch him.

It had been 5 months coming. Ah, but she knew. Somewhere in her heart she had always known. She often second-guessed herself, and that meant second-guessing her gut instincts as well. Something she swore she wouldn't ever question again. If I had just trusted myself... trusted my feelings, she thought, none of this would have happened... and it would have been over a long time ago. She realized that she was staring at nothing in particular and her eyes now felt grainy and dry. She blinked and a single tear fell onto her jeans, making a dark blue spot that she began to stare at.

"Sweetheart", he started, "listen... I know what you must be...", he trailed off and then sighed. The words were failing him, just as she knew they would. Her anger seethed up inside of her, threatening to boil over and scald him viciously.

She hissed at him, "You can't possibly understand how I am feeling right now."

She stared at him coldly. Her eyes becoming vacant and dark.  She looked away again, the tears threatening to consume her in a tempest.

He stared at her, unsure of how to proceed. He was caught between a boulder and a slab of cement. He knew that she knew, but even admitting it would completely unravel all the intricate lies he had spent so many years weaving. Though if he were to try and lie again to her she would know, without a shadow of a doubt, his betrayal and his twisted words. She would know because her information came from a source unseen, a source that wasn't him. He cursed and slammed his fist into the wall, leaving it there and leaning his forehead against it.

She raised her head. Standing before her was not the man she had known. The man she knew was strong, proud and regal. This was not that man anymore. She saw him through new eyes, through a new spectrum. She saw before her a child. A scared, lonely and insecure little boy who had to create life around him because he was so afraid of being unworthy. She saw a demon, raging against what he knew was right, struggling to prevail and win this battle. She saw a monster, hideous and lecherous... but what she really saw... was her biggest mistake.
_____

Until Next Time,
<3 Shade

Geek Craft: Tetris Magnetz

Geek Craft: Tetris Magnetz 

Hello lovely Otherbeasts! There's nothing I love more than geeky grafts and I thought of one to do today (besides stripping my old cable box for the LEDS to do something with) that would capture the hearts of the 80's and 90's kids! Ready for some nostalgia?

You remember the shapes right? Oooh, the one that always got on my nerves was that stupid do-nothing square that always got in the way and gave me gaps! But my favorite one was the line (wasn't everyone's) and I always waited in vain to see that blessed line coming my way.
See, there it is.

Well, since I heart Tetris so much, I decided making refrigerator magnets would just be the perfect geeky craft, even if you're not crafty. It's super simple and cheaper than buying them. ThinkGeek used to offer a set of Tetris Magnets for around $10.00 but alas, no more.

So, for about $2.00 to $10.00, you can make your very own! (2.00 if you already have crafty things, 10.00 if you have to buy everything. Heck, at Hobby Lobby you can get already colored (red, purple, turquoise, orange, green, yellow) wooden 9/16" cubes - and 72 pieces in a package- for a cool $2.24 right now here: Click for Hobby Lobby.

Now, the craft store Michael's sells wooden cubes for roughly 2.99 for a pack of 42, 1/2" by 1/2". Isn't 42 the universal answer? Thought so. Have your towel ready?

So, if you want to snazz it up a bit, you can always find some plastic cubes for roughly the same price. You also need a sheet of magnet backing. You can find this at both Michael's and Hobby Lobby, for about $1.50, and it looks like this:

So here's what you'll need:
Supplies:
- wooden cubes (or plastic ones) (or already colored wood ones)
- a magnet sheet
- a ruler or straightedge
- glue (choose wisely) or adhesive magnet strips
-scissors
- acrylic paint (you remember the colors right?)
(I'm kidding, choose your own colors!)
(Or screw the colors for an organic look.)
(Or use the colored wood - I would, I'm lazy.)

Step one: Take your wooden or plastic cubes and start laying out the basic shapes of the Tetris blocks. You remember the shapes right?

Okay good.

Step Two: Get out your glue, or use your magnetic adhesive, and start lining up your blocks using your ruler or straight edge.

Note: If gluing the blocks together and then painting, go ahead and glue them and let them dry before painting. If you're using the magnetic strips with the adhesive already on, you are all set. Obviously when doing any craft except oil painting, you want to let your glue and your paint dry before doing anything else. Herp derp.

Step Three: Paint if you're gonna! As Bob Ross says, "Anything your heart desires, this is your world, you have the freedom and the power here."

So, paint. Let dry. (For super geeks it's okay to paint black lines along the separations are to create that nice 8 bit look.)

(Don't tell me you don't remember doing this after screwing up a few times, giving up, becoming frustrated, and resorting to hitting A and B furiously while hitting the directional pad wildly and screaming, "Fine! Fine! Then just do it like THIS! How's that!? Stupid game, stupid Tetris! Argh!")

((You 'member.))

Step Four: Use scissors to cut away excess magnet sheet and make it the same shape as your blocks. Then glue on. Then let glue dry. Wax on, wax off.

Step 5: Stick on your refrigerator, step back, and admire your geeky craftiness! Next: The World! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha, MWA HA HA HA HA, mwa ha ha.

I hope you have fun doing this! Heart <3 Tetris.

Have fun my crafty Otherbeasts!
______

Until Next Time,
<3 Shade

FYI

FYI

Hello my lovely Otherbeasts, just a note to make you smile today.

1. The Greatest News Story:                    JOHN 3:16
2. The Greatest Decree of Love:              FOR GOD SO LOVED
3. The Greatest Company:                       THE WORLD
4. The Greatest Act:                                 HE GAVE
5. The Greatest Gift:                                HIS ONLY SON
6. The Greatest Opportunity:                   THAT WHOEVER
7. The Greatest Simplicity:                      BELIEVES
8. The Greatest Attraction:                       IN HIM
9. The Greatest Promise:                          SHALL NOT PERISH
10. The Greatest Difference:                    BUT
11. The Greatest Certainty:                      HAVE
12: The Greatest Possession:                   EVERLASTING LIFE

Smile because the Lord believes in you... regardless of if you believe in Him.

_____

Until Next Time,

<3 Shade

Battle of the Sexes

My Lovely Otherbeasts! Are you ready for a battle of the sexes? Read and laugh.

ON MEN

Men's English:

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired." = I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." = Let's have sex now.

"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it. We'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I like it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

"I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and lets go!

"I don't think that blouse and the skirt go well together." = I'm metrosexual or just plain gay and have a better sense of style.

Men's Rules:

1. Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

7. We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

8. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

9. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

10. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

11. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

12. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

13. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

14. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

16. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

26. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

27. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

28. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.

ON WOMEN

Women's English:

"Yes." = Yes.

"No." = No.

"Maybe." = We'll see.

"I'm sorry." = You'll be sorry.

"We need..." = I want.

"It's your decision." = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later.

"We need to talk." = I need to complain.

"Sure, go ahead." = I don't want you to.

"I'm not upset." = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

"You're...so manly." = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

"You're certainly attentive tonight." = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights." = I don't want you to see my flab.

"This kitchen is so inconvenient." = I want a new house.

""I want new curtains." = And carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

"Hang the picture there." = NO, I mean hang it there!

"I heard a noise." = I noticed you were almost asleep.

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

"I'll be ready in a minute." = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

"Is my butt big?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.

"You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.

"Are you listening to me?!" = (Too late, you're dead.)

"Was that the dog?" = Why don't you get out of bed and take him outside.

"I'm not yelling!" = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important!

Understanding Women:

ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it.

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".

THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Women's Rules:

1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.

2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.

3. Don't say you understand when you don't.

4. Girls are petty, get over it.

5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.

6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.

8. Zits happen to everyone. Yes, Mr. Perfect, even to you.

9. We don't like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big.

10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.

11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a pig/is ugly/is a bitch/is a loser. Period.

12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.

13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.

14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.

15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.

16. We are drama queens.

17. Fashion police do exist.

18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.

19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, or anything else you and your friends talk about, like: how much you know about the video games, porn, computers, Star Wars, etc.

20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.

21. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.

22. Don't make bets about us, we always find out.

23. Shave - no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.

24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it's not. Unless we do it first and say that it's okay to do so.

25. Don't compare our breasts with Britney Spear's, hers are fake.

26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.

27. We are beautiful, but make-up helps. (All girls love makeup, do not call us prissy or tell us we worry to much about the way we look for wearing it.)

28. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren't.

29. It doesn't make you look cool to make fun of someone else. 

30. If you ever beat us in a sport or game, it's always because you cheated, even if you didn't. 

Laugh And Be Merry!

Until Next Time,
<3 Shade