And that's exactly how I feel. I am so frustrated with Life right now that I have literally assigned it the troll face and I will be discussing Life as if it were an actual person; because I'm angry at Life right now, and this seems to be more cathartic than trying to go find Life and murder it.
It seems like that when it rains, it pours. When something bad happens, it doesn't happen just by itself - oh no, no, no, no, no - it happens in three's and four's. I think it's maybe like a dam, the things just build and then one day a crack appears, then an hour later you're flooded with a shit tsunami up to your ears. Just like that.
I'm laughing right now. I really am. Genuine laughter. But not because I find something funny. Well, it is kind of funny...but it's not funny ha-ha-funny, it's funny-can-you-believe-this-shit-funny. Because Life always evokes that reaction from me.
I enjoy those moments. When bewilderment and confusion, mixed in
with a pinch of anger, cause me to laugh. Make that a pinch of anger and
a dash of confusion. Yes, I believe that's the correct combination of
elements. There might be a few more to throw in, but right now they're
all abstract.
But I digress, one of those moments that presents itself and slaps
you right across the mouth like a wet leather glove snapping against
cold cement. One of those moments that briefly infuriate you. It starts
out as a small little bead of frustration then sprouts into anger in the
span of about 5 seconds, and about 3 seconds after that it begins to
make me laugh.
"Can you believe this shit?" I said that to myself. My self responded back,
"No. Well, kinda. Really?" As is disbelief. Because there's some of that thrown in there, too. One abstract down, a few more to go. Life is a troll. It trolls wherever it pleases and whomever it pleases.
"No. Well, kinda. Really?" As is disbelief. Because there's some of that thrown in there, too. One abstract down, a few more to go. Life is a troll. It trolls wherever it pleases and whomever it pleases.
Now, I've yet to explain what it was that evoked this ever
desirable response from me, and I'm getting to that. I like to address
things in general specifics.
Life does some really interesting things. I mean, really
interesting. I'm not talking about the kind of interesting that makes
one want to mosey up and find out or pay attention, I'm talking about
the kind of interesting that makes you look out of the corner of your
eye at Life, raise a brow at Life, or walk away from Life.
Interesting because the motives and the signals are all garbled up
in a type of static, like being out in west Texas and trying to find a
station on the radio in a Volkswagen Rabbit with no antennae. They come
in faintly, just enough to pick out a few words to identify the song,
but the overlying tone of static coming through on top of it distorts
the song and you think, "Maybe that wasn't the song. I though it was
Peaceful Easy Feeling by The Eagles, but now it sounds like Mr.
Brightside by The Killers."
So you turn it off. I know I don't care too much for decrypting
static filled songs through a radio. I'd rather have the silence. Funny
enough, that's kind of like the metaphor for this entire situation.
General specifics, see?
But, back to my epiphany about Life. Life usually doesn't do things that it doesn't want to do, unless it's out of obligation or it's work (save the few moments when Life is actually loving someone). Life usually does whatever it darn well pleases, and that suits Life just fine. Why wouldn't it? But when it comes to a point of ignorance, that's when I decide to turn off the radio. Side note: not ignorance as in you're just stupid beyond repair, but ignorance as in actually ignoring something.
But, back to my epiphany about Life. Life usually doesn't do things that it doesn't want to do, unless it's out of obligation or it's work (save the few moments when Life is actually loving someone). Life usually does whatever it darn well pleases, and that suits Life just fine. Why wouldn't it? But when it comes to a point of ignorance, that's when I decide to turn off the radio. Side note: not ignorance as in you're just stupid beyond repair, but ignorance as in actually ignoring something.
Life should be a little more considerate. Considerate enough to
give someone the time of day on occasion, or even a message, "Hey, I'm gonna troll you in about two weeks..." But blatant, deliberate
obliviousness? I mean, c'mon...I'm a smart girl. I can see that Life isn't perfect, that it forgets things, and that it mostly forgets two or three things at once until it remembers them and throws them into your lap with a smile. I
note these things. Blame it on my attention to detail.
So, say for instance, if I notice that Life's last trolling was back in January and I know I've kicked Life in the butt after that date, then after a bit, I notice that Life's most recent trolling was in May, I can deduce that in the proceedings of Life's trolling, it usually doesn't give warnings. It doesn't take an Einstein to come to that conclusion.
So, say for instance, if I notice that Life's last trolling was back in January and I know I've kicked Life in the butt after that date, then after a bit, I notice that Life's most recent trolling was in May, I can deduce that in the proceedings of Life's trolling, it usually doesn't give warnings. It doesn't take an Einstein to come to that conclusion.
So, why is it that I have three dead birds in my lap? Is it too
much trouble to ask Life to spare, at the least, 45 seconds to inform me with a warning of incoming dead birds? Some sort of relay? Some sort of communication to
just let me know a status report?
Now, this wouldn't be that huge of a deal if it was a stand alone
incident. Those don't normally bother me. But when it follows a
considerable effort of my part to find out, I'm sorry, but I'm going
to be a little peeved about it. Peeved because I think it's been more than a dozen
times? Yes, definitely more than a dozen times that I have tried to make a sincere effort, tried to
go out of my way, tried to be proactive and tried to touch base with Life so that it wouldn't barge in with a surprise trolling. Each
time was followed by a rejection or silence. Because, I guess Life had better
things to do, had to troll someone else, had to send a screw-up fairy, had to fly to
Japan to Fukushima, had to do something other than extend a hand of courtesy. Life is a sucky friend most days. People always say to live life... and here I am trying to survive it.
Now I guess we can get one more abstract labeled...I think it might
be a teaspoon of sadness, and a smidgen of hurt. Wait...does that count
as two? Life hurts.
Anyway, it really saddens me because the camaraderie with Life is great, the
friendship is nice, and on the rare occasion that I do hear from Life when it isn't trolling, it honestly sounds like maybe it gives a hoot, and maybe it
actually does enjoy some company from the likes of a person such as
myself.
But I have an interesting mechanism I've developed over the years, I like to call it my "Kill Switch." I have this disorder called "DID," and it stands for "Dissociative Identity Disorder." Guess how I got that? Life gave it to me. That's another blog post entirely... one that I think I'll write soon. But DID is almost a blessing because when Life trolls too hard, my Kill Switch kicks in and it shuts down my emotional center so that I can handle the information without having an anxiety attack. So take that Life! Your trolling is now being ignored.
But I have an interesting mechanism I've developed over the years, I like to call it my "Kill Switch." I have this disorder called "DID," and it stands for "Dissociative Identity Disorder." Guess how I got that? Life gave it to me. That's another blog post entirely... one that I think I'll write soon. But DID is almost a blessing because when Life trolls too hard, my Kill Switch kicks in and it shuts down my emotional center so that I can handle the information without having an anxiety attack. So take that Life! Your trolling is now being ignored.
But you know, it may just be that static garbling up the message,
making it undecipherable and incoherent, because I swear I hear two
songs playing at once...and this confuses me. The mixed signals of the
radio stations that are transmitting over the air really do a number on
my brain. So, what's my solution? I turn the radio off. Kill Switch.
I turn the radio off.
_____
Until Next Time,
<3 Shade
