I've been smoking for a decade... 10 years... at least. Because I really started smoking back in high school (obviously not seriously) but got pretty serious in college at around 19 years old; laugh at me now because back then I thought it was "cool," and I couldn't really manage my stress and my dumb ass thought it was a smart option to lean on cigarettes. If I had a time travel machine, I'd go back into the past and kick my own ass just to really drive the point home. Teenagers are so stupid.
I was going to originally quit on Thursday evening; our roommate had just bought a new pack and divided it up between himself, me, and my honey - it was to last us just for that night and we would be cigarette free by Friday morning. Well, Friday came but things got stressful and I really wasn't that quite ready yet and so I caved and bought a pack of cigarettes; but all was not lost, I split the pack with my significant other bought another one to split between the three of us again.
Saturday was my first actual day without smoking a cigarette. By the afternoon I was having a hard time not caving into buying another pack, and so I compromised by buying myself and my honey an e-cigarette (probably almost as bad, but not as bad as an actual cancer stick). So, we proceeded to smoke on those a bit, but following the same rituals as with "normal" cigarettes like: keeping them outside so we had to take a break from whatever it was we were doing to go have one, having a break after a meal, after a shower, after coffee, etc. We tried to maintain some normalcy about it. I was okay with it, the cravings weren't to bad. I cheated a little bit because the roommate had a cigar and was weaning himself off that way, and I took a drag. Ugh. Disappointed.
Today is Sunday and I am having a time and a half. The cravings are bad today... and before I even get to the rest of it, last night was awful! I had trouble sleeping; my sleep was light, interrupted, and not restful at all. Is that a normal thing? Because that SUCKS. Anyway, the cravings are bad, and I'm puffing on this e-cigarette every so often but it just pisses me off because it's not a real cigarette. I'm too far to go back and quit quitting because today marks 2 whole days total without cigarettes, so I guess I'll keep on not smoking. Besides, I did the math: 5 bucks a day is about $150.00 extra dollars a month that I could spend on other things that are far better for me.
But the irritability is here to stay for a bit, and my little pinkie fingers keep getting numb-ish, like pins and needles. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat anything. I'm thirsty and so I keep drinking water... but of course the one thing I want the most I can't have. Not that I even want it; I took another small drag off the roomie's cigar and it literally tasted like an ashtray full of dirt and feet. I don't want the smell, I don't want the taste, I don't want the feeling, I don't want any of the nasty, I just want something that comes with smoking cigarettes but I have no idea what it is. Maybe I have a fear that I don't know who I am without them. I mean, a decade is a long time, I could be a completely different person without cigarettes, maybe it'll be a bad thing.
And that was the bargaining phase... you all know what that means, so, if we go by DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) then I'm 3/5ths of the way past the craving/quitting phase? Well, nuts. I'm gonna stop typing so that I don't face plant my keyboard.
Will there be one? How will it go? Stay tuned to find out.
Until Next Time,