ON MEN
Men's English:
"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it. We'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I like it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
"I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and lets go!
"I don't think that blouse and the skirt go well together." = I'm metrosexual or just plain gay and have a better sense of style.
Men's Rules:
1. Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
6. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
7. We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
8. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
9. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
10. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
11. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
12. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
13. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
14. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!
15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
16. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
26. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
27. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
28. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.
ON WOMEN
Women's English:
"Yes." = Yes.
"No." = No.
"Maybe." = We'll see.
"I'm sorry." = You'll be sorry.
"We need..." = I want.
"It's your decision." = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later.
"We need to talk." = I need to complain.
"Sure, go ahead." = I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset." = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"You're...so manly." = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
"You're certainly attentive tonight." = Is sex all you ever think about?
"Be romantic, turn out the lights." = I don't want you to see my flab.
"This kitchen is so inconvenient." = I want a new house.
""I want new curtains." = And carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
"Hang the picture there." = NO, I mean hang it there!
"I heard a noise." = I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today that you're really not going to like.
"I'll be ready in a minute." = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
"Is my butt big?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.
"You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.
"Are you listening to me?!" = (Too late, you're dead.)
"Was that the dog?" = Why don't you get out of bed and take him outside.
"I'm not yelling!" = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important!
Understanding Women:
ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it.
FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".
THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Women's Rules:
1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.
2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
3. Don't say you understand when you don't.
4. Girls are petty, get over it.
5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.
8. Zits happen to everyone. Yes, Mr. Perfect, even to you.
9. We don't like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big.
10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a pig/is ugly/is a bitch/is a loser. Period.
12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.
15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.
16. We are drama queens.
17. Fashion police do exist.
18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.
19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, or anything else you and your friends talk about, like: how much you know about the video games, porn, computers, Star Wars, etc.
20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
21. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.
22. Don't make bets about us, we always find out.
23. Shave - no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.
24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it's not. Unless we do it first and say that it's okay to do so.
25. Don't compare our breasts with Britney Spear's, hers are fake.
26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
27. We are beautiful, but make-up helps. (All girls love makeup, do not call us prissy or tell us we worry to much about the way we look for wearing it.)
28. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren't.
29. It doesn't make you look cool to make fun of someone else.
30. If you ever beat us in a sport or game, it's always because you cheated, even if you didn't.
Laugh And Be Merry!
Until Next Time,
<3 Shade
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