Shade Bio

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Wide Awake

Hello Darling Otherbeasts! Mmm, a creative exercise in writing.

Wide Awake

Well... I sit here. Awake. Wide awake. More awake than I've ever been. I suppose I've gotten my body used to being awake at this time of night. I attempted to go to sleep, I honestly did. I laid there, awake, thoughts swirling around in my head and colliding into each other. That's when I called you, abruptly having shook you out of that moment right before one goes to sleep where everything is fuzzy and peaceful, for another one of my unanswerable questions.

I laid back down and tried to go to sleep again - and I laid there - awake; so I decided since I couldn't go to sleep I might as well be productive. I got up, turned on the lights, flipped on the TV, and cracked open my biology book. Why not study? I needed to anyway. I resigned myself to the fact that I am, and always will be, a creature of the night; my best thinking is done then. Sure, my brain is frazzled and my body is screaming desperately for more sleep, but there I was... awake.

I read a few chapters out of the heavy biology book and began to feel that familiar restlessness, so I got up, grabbed my cigarettes, walked out of my room, and clomped down the hallway to fresh air. I opened the glass door and the cool breeze hit my face as I took in a long breath, letting it fill and tingle in my lungs. I pulled out a cigarette, set it in my mouth, and set it on fire; I inhaled the not-so-quite fresh air. I pulled the smoke into my lungs and felt that first wash of calmness steal over me and invade my body before exhaling in a long sigh.

I shuddered from the moisture in the cool air seeping through my gray jersey robe. I turned to look at the city lights twinkling and blinking at me from the dark horizon. I turned back around, sat down on the cement steps leading down from the stoop, and sighed, letting the moist air caress my face.

I looked around at my surroundings and my eyes fell on the tall water tower just over the hill; it was still there, and it sat there, staring me straight in the face. It seemed to me that is was smiling at me. No, not smiling at me, it had this horrible smug grin; the slowly blinking little red light atop it seemed to say, "Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, you-only, thought-you, were-going, to-win."

I cursed as I tore my gaze away from the water tower and stared down at my feet. I gazed at the cigarette I was holding in my hand, the smoke curling up in the still air, the soft tendrils drifting away and I thought to myself, What a nasty habit... "I should quit," I stated abruptly to no one. I raised the carcinogen-riddled paper to my lips, inhaled, and sighed aloud, "I know why I don't quit..." silently continuing, It's something I can control in my very uncontrollable life.

All of a sudden the questions came pouring back into my thoughts, their blackness penetrating and shrouding my brain; the inky color working its way into every single one of the cells I possess. I shook my head in an effort to try and loosen the thoughts that had a death grip on my mind but wouldn't let go. Why, why, why was this still plaguing my mind? Why? I had no substantial reason.

My thoughts wander and I have always thought myself to be a not very jealous person. Wrong. I am extremely jealous, but not in the way most people think: I'm jealous in a unique way - it's not that I want someone all to myself but rather it's that I'm jealous of the time I'm not getting to spend with them - which is still a bad thing I suppose. It bothers me to see a girl that even remotely reminds me of a certain person who's shade of hair resembles the fire that consumes my mind. It happened today, I saw a resemblance. Seeing that particular keratin color evokes the strangest reaction; it makes my hair stand up on the back of my neck, my blood boil, and my energy takes on a horrible tone that warns every person in the vicinity to stay the hell away from me. I'm sure as the innocent by-stander of a girl walked by she thought, "Yeesh, if looks could kill this one would take the cake." I had tucked my chin in order to try and stare at the ground I was crossing but my nostrils flared in anger as I glared up through my lashes; I was unable to conceal the white-hot daggers of hatred shooting from my gaze at this poor, random girl, my eyes holding the unmistakable anger they cannot hide. She simply passed me, raising her eyebrows at my reaction as if to say, "What the hell did I do to you?"

The rustling cool breeze brings me back from memory immersion and I snap back from being lost in my thoughts. The water tower is still staring at me, mocking me, so I extinguish my cigarette that I have smoked well past the little green 'camel logo of luck.' I get up, heave the door open, and walk inside; the fluorescent lights reflecting off the newly painted sage walls of the hallway cast a sickly shade of green on everything. I feel as if I am inside a hospital ward, isolated within my own thoughts, my robe turning into a straight jacket. I hasten my step approaching my door, sticking the key in the lock and of course turning it the wrong way first before actually unlocking it, and step inside shutting the door behind me by leaning my back against it.

The comforting smell of my own dorm room greets me and I lock both of the bolts on the door behind me. I survey the living room, my gaze sweeping across the furniture when memories begin to come alive as if I'm watching a movie play out before my eyes. I shake my head and shut my eyes before opening them again to blink several times but the memory movie is still animating my living room and I can still see all of the past events happening before my eyes. They're happening everywhere: on my couch, in my kitchen, in my bedroom; I am lost in some weird time warp where I am visually reliving everything and seeing it happen all over again.

"Wow. I definitely need to get some sleep," I mutter as I peel myself away from the door and walk into my bedroom, forcing the visions to fade away and dissipate into thin air like steam issuing from a gutter. I feel like writing. Who better to write to than my best friend who understands more where I'm coming from than anybody in this world ever could? I sit down at my computer and begin typing and the thought hits me, Oh, "not in my best interest," because, well... I'm sure Alexis and Carly were over there tonight. My blood pressure begins to rise and I begin to seethe. "Stop it," I command myself aloud, "Stop thinking about it. STOP IT. You are being obsessive. Stop it!" The last command resonates as more of a plea and my brain issues my heart a pep talk: Pull yourself out of it... you NEED to change. This is not good for you. Stop it right now and change.

I lean back in my chair, staring at my computer screen as the cursor blinks, take a deep breath and close my eyes. I hear faintly from in the recesses somewhere, "Well I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I built my life around you." Oh, Lord, please give me a break; I quiet my brain once more and everything stills. Finally my mind is clear and I am blissfully thinking of nothing, savoring the quiet, when one impenetrable thought violently shatters through the calm and pierces the tranquil peace I managed to find, "WHO THE HELL IS THIS CARLY CHICK ANYWAY?!" Well, that confirmed it: definitely jealous. Cheese and crackers, will it ever stop? I think I am beginning to loose what little sanity I have over all of this or from a lack of sleep... or both. Maybe.

Then I think of you, probably slumbering away peacefully in your warm bed with your egyptian cotton sheets, more than likely dreaming of hot dogs, sex, Jose Varizano, G-town, or sex. It was then that I thanked the Lord for sending you into my life, for blessing me with such an unconditional kind of love, that you tolerated being friend-zoned. It brought tears to my eyes when I realized just how much strength I draw from you. It was then that a little voice, my conscience, decided to speak up, You know, you're really not being fair to him. He doesn't deserve to have to constantly deal with what you are going through every single waking moment. You Bogart his time. You're spiraling downward and you're pulling him with you. No wonder he wants to go to Arizona - he's stuck between someone he can't please and someone who has a one-track mind and can't think of anything else. he deserves better, he deserves your real friendship, not this 'I need to lean on somebody' bullshit. He's going to get so tired of never actually talking about anything else that he will eventually pull away from you because he'll find himself getting depressed when he should be having the time of his life, not dealing with your melodramatic, soap opera minded problems. Give him a break.

I wiped away an errant tear that had rolled down my cheek. That voice was partially right, you do deserve so much better than the pieces of my broken heart and my crummy attempt at a friendship.
But that little voice had something wrong, you wouldn't hang around if you didn't want to, it wasn't like I had a gun to your head, and so I realized something else, Who says you're important enough to have this much sway over his life? You think he'll ask 'how high' if you ask him to jump? Now you're just being arrogant. Ugh, why are you so emotional?

My brain is random at best. The TV is on in the background, the cheerful jingle of the Flintstones drifting into my ear holes. My eyelids are becoming droopy and I am now looking at my bed longingly. Sleep is good because there I can escape from everything that chains me in my waking life but like many things it is only temporary, because I know I will awake tomorrow with a heavy heart and that same darkness will fill my mind once again.

I get up and walk into my living room and turn off the TV - I don't even like the Flintstones anyway - and walk back into my bedroom, locking the door behind me. I sit back down at my computer and decide that it's time I make a change; tomorrow I will wear green instead of pink. There's the randomness again. Back on track. Change. I will make a change. I am not happy now and the only way to fix that is to change. I cannot change the things around me so I will have to learn how to change myself and adapt to the things around me. "Easier said than done," says the little voice, "it'll be a long hard road but it must be done." Good, then we're agreed. With new-found resolve I surrender. I am metaphorically waving the little white flag. Whatever happens... happens. No matter what I think, how much I think, or what I do... how things are meant to be is how they'll turn out; no amount of my ruminating on a subject will change the outcome.

I close my laptop and set my alarm for an ungodly hour. I crawl back to my bed and nestle deep under the covers. Yawning, I turn off the lights yet again and say a prayer. Another night spent uselessly toiling away. I close my eyes and start to drift off to that fuzzy, warm place that sleep holds. I let out a contented sigh as I hug the stuffed raccoon you gave me. Time for change. Everything will be all right. My eyelids flutter shut as a smile touches my lips. I am unconquerable. Invictus.

Until Next Time,
<3 Shade


  1. Your style is so cool - haven't seen anyone write a blog where she turns out to be the character in the story being told. Gives another dimension to being alive - perhaps fodder for the character to explore ... really neat stuff! Your a really neat person.

    Always our best,


  2. Thank you so much! That is probably the greatest compliment I have ever received. You are truly too kind. Have a wonderful day. <3 Shade